28 Feb 2014 10:32 AM |Alison Buehler
February 28th, 2014
February has always been my funk out month. I hate being cold and by February I am sick of it. Today is the last day of February and I finally cried. My husband says it shows I need my meds. Maybe. Thanks to western medicine, I cry about four times a year. Usually, if I am off of an SSRI, I cry at least once a week. I have been off of medicine for five weeks and cried twice. Twice, off meds, in February - I am hopeful.
I’m sure my husband is justified in his terror of my lows. But just this once, I wish I could impart a “mustard seed” of faith in his heart that this will all be ok. I do believe I can heal now. With the right support in my body, I believe I have a chance at feeling good more often than not. I believe because I am watching my daughter bloom before my eyes.
Cecelia has days where she hates wearing clothes still. I recall she had three in February. Three, in February. In December she screamed every, single day. She is still very picky about food, and we have setbacks. Last month she was eating broccoli and carrots, bone broth, and spinach. We slacked off and let her eat school lunch and she went right back to craving only carbs and sugar. I cut her off again from school food and she started to broaden her taste again. I’ve decided to let it go for now because she feels “shy” about bringing a lunch box to preschool. If I see it get worse, we will go back to sending lunch to school.
It has been two months and Cecelia is MUCH happier overall. I had begun to think of her as a spoiled, unhappy child. I believe now she was a very unhealthy child who acted how she felt. Cece loves to dance and sing and laugh. She loves to make rhymes and silly words. She is curious and adventurous. She also still has fits now and then. I don't ever imagine a cure, but more a tweaking of a lifestyle.
Same goes for me. This is my fourth month of food change. Last week I would have told you - I am healed! Like Lazarus, alive! This week, not so much. I do not have the black, heavy thoughts that make me seething mad. I do have a the leaky filter and feel cruelty, even if it isn’t toward me or my loved ones, deeply. I do have a lot more energy overall. The last few days I needed naps. Is this how a normal person feels?
I was talking to a chiropractor the other day who got into the profession because she suffered severely as a child with scoliosis and all kinds of intestinal issues. She also “felt bad” most of the time. She is one of the most vibrant women I know. She said, “Isn’t it amazing when you find out? When all it comes down to is food? How simple, really. Duh! What we put into our body every time we open our mouths, of course that is it!”
Of course that’s it. So simple, but so stinking hard! If we only had to eat once a day, I might manage a healthy feat. But three times, plus snacks? Never mind going out to eat or over to a friend’s house. Never mind soccer games where it is standard protocol to hand out gluten bombs and sugar drinks right after a hearty hour of exercise. Never mind church, where you go to feed your soul, and “fellowship time” equals an invitation to diabetes. It is hard!
I am hopeful anyway. I am hopeful that tomorrow, after I take all my supplements and eat my smoothies and stay away from all the bad stuff, that I will feel better. I am hopeful that when I pick up Cece from school she will run toward me smiling. I am hopeful that one day, the absence of meds won’t strike terror into my husband’s heart. I am hopeful, that my boys will be glad I tortured them one day with healthy snacks. Anyway, today is Friday and I have yoga!